Every now and then I’ll hear something on the news that is so asinine that it makes me speechless, and that says a lot.
Don’t get me wrong, America is filled with intelligent people just as it is filled with dogmatic people too. You have folks who say and do things not to prove themselves correct, rather just to create a pretentious moment that’ll’ give them their fifteen minutes of fame. Just as there are people out there who simply ‘Tell it like it is’.
As a man who literally sits on Texas Death Row I am compelled to read everything I can get my hands on, be it different newspapers/newsletters, figuratively – tons of magazines and books. I also have an admiration for radio news, turning the dial every half hour on the hour scouring for updates on national and international events. I’ll admit I do not do so cause I am infatuated with celebrity or media news, rather I do so to stay informed and aware of all the ever-changing events that dictates ‘moments’ in history.
One such moment occurred the other day on the KPFT radio station. When an Attorney for Andre Thomas, was illustrating a new tactic by the Texas Attorney General that would attempt to go forward with the execution of his client. “The Attorney General is attempting to argue that my client, Mr Thomas is ‘Intellectual Insane; not mentally insane and therefore under Texas Law my client do not meet the criteria that would spare his life”
Intellectual Insane? “Damn!” I thought to myself. “That’s a new one. What’s the difference? I went to my massive volumes of dictionaries, three huge books – each over 2,200 pages of old and new definitions. I’ll admit, I’m not the brightest bulb in the bunch, but the smell of bullshit has only one smell and you’ll know it when you smell it. I’ve known of Andre Thomas, too which we nicknamed him Squirrel on the Row, since 2006. He was my neighbor a few times back then when we were allowed and able to share food and other items with a fellow inmate. I use to playfully, though very immaturely call him the rapper Slick Rick or Captain One-Eye; teasing him about his missing eye. He didn’t seem to mind my insensitive ignorance. So I assumed Squirell was a skinny kid with his right eye missing, pulled out by his own hands. Whenever I asked him why he did it he always retorted back to a biblical scripture, (Matthew 5v.29) “If your right eye causes you to sin, poke it out” to explain his actions. And I always blew his responses off, cause I know many people who misunderstand a biblical scripture and take it literally- not figuratively. Some folks go to the extremes, and he was one of them.
For the most part he was a quiet, thou seemingly hyperactive guy. More kid-like than man-like. Every now and then he’d shout out some nonsense that no one around him could decipher. It didn’t raise any of my alarm senses because more than half of Texas Death Row inmates yell out insanely or say something that is borderline Chinese lingo than elucidate. You just blow it off. Put your radio’s headphones on and mind your business. The nature of the Beast is that we are held within solitary confinement and such a state gets to us all, including moi; and makes us all a lil crazy at times.
In hindsight; there are times when you ‘see’ someone act-out that goes beyond the emotional rubber band of loneliness or remorse. Sometimes you just know that this person has some screws missing in his brain. That day for me came in 2008 when Squirrel came to the day-room to recreate (a cage that is a lil bigger than the cages that keeps each inmate separated where all you can do is walk around in circles for exercise, Or engage in a shouting conversation just so another inmate can hear you clearly) He was pacing around in top speed,. His head was slightly lowered. He was in his own zone. A female correction officer must have noticed the oddity within his behavior and she asked him if he was okay. He went on to tell her he could play the (air) guitar well “Do you want to see?” he asked her.
Not sure as to what she was thinking or wasn’t thinking, She wanted to be amused and she knew a ‘crazy mofo’ would provide entertainment”sure Thomas play the guitar” she encouraged with a snide chuckle. He ran and jumped into the top of the Steele table that sat in the middle of the day room, then burst out a yell and a dance move that sharply resembled the move Michael Jackson, did in his ‘BAD’ video. Then he began to play his air guitar’, which was more yelling and screaming obscenities than a instrumental beat. He screamed some vexatious lyrics about a lost love that left him but still loved him.Then the prison suffered a power outage., The inmates around began beating on their cell doors and the more they did, the more louder Squirrel performed. His body motion revealed that he actually thought he was in a real concert. That the beating on the doors by inmates was actually a livid rock crowd impressed”, with his performance. The female officer playfully took out her flash light and shined it on Squirrel. He must have felt that it was his time to shine, because what he did next was non decorous. He stripped down until he was butt naked, still playing his air guitar while singing. Guys started cussing him out feeling disrespected by his antics. The female officer tried to get his attention, demanding he get dressed but he was neither here nor there any more. He was gone.
A few minutes later power was restored and the lights were back on. Squirrel jumped down from the table. He seemed discombulated. As to why he was nude. He coyishly put his clothes back on then began walking in circles with his head down the say he was before his performance began as nothing had ever happened.
Many psychiatrists (even those with half of a brain is better than a unlicensed T.D.C.J psyche – docs we have here on Polunsky) use studies and even science to determine why people do what they do. For the mentally insane there is no clue just more paper word to be filed and more theories to observe. However most will tell you that there comes a time whenever a mental patient does not get the proper treatment, do ‘Cross the Rubican’ (the point of no return). I can’t help but wonder If that day Squirrel did his best Non Jovi imitation, of that day he regressed for good.
A month later I went to the dungeon because I was a Bad boy. I was moved away from Squirrel who had grown into a state of silence, where he stopped talking and isolated himself that much more, I didn’t know of this at the time but Squirrel began cutting on himself with sharp objects.
Later that year, December of 2008 every inmate (well the ones who are sane enough to comprehend) on Texas Death Row was shocked to find out that Squirrel pulled his remaining left eye out and ate it in front of the officer who just so happened to walk by his cell, devouring his eye as if it was imported shushi. The officer would soon quit and seeked psychiatric help after witnessing an insane act that she’ll never forget..
Back then I did not know anything about Andre Thomas ‘legal case. I didn’t know where he was from. I knew little about him except that he never received any visits and he walked around soul less at times. He didn’t have much anything. So imagine my disbelief when I later found out that he killed his ex wife, two children and attempted to kill himself. My disbelief should come to no surprise as the biggest misconception there is is that all Death Row inmates get along and like each other, we dont. We are a society like all others and we are a society that engages in racial segregation, classism and prejudical division. Meaning Baby killers are treated more harsher than any other. However, there is room for logical, even psychological evaluation of all tragic acts. This is where I have grown. I try to see things from both sides before forming a opinion. As tragic and heart wrenching as the details of Squirrels case, I did learn more about who he was, where he was from and how in the hell his beautiful ex wife and angelic innocent children meet the level of brutality that no one should ever fall victim to. My research lead me to a small town in Texas called Sherman. When he was taught and raised by his mother and grandmother; both were medically diagnosed as paranoid schizophrenics.
By the time he was ten he began hearing voices in his head. When he asked his mother about those voices he was told he needed to be beaten to release the demons inside of him. Other times his mother encouraged him to talk back to those voices. Now just think about that previous scenario for a second…
A child is told to entertain voices in his head, as if they were real live people. A child’s mind is so malleable and fragile that as a young age adults can literally dictate who or what their child will be.
At age 12 he attempted suicide and failed. By thirteen he tried to saw off his arm with a butcher knife. Somehow there goes that biblical scripture again. Matthew chap 5 v 29-30. At the tender age of fourteen he began having sex with his ex wife, Laura Boren Thomas, who was his fourteen year old girfriend at the time. They became parents by the time they were fifteen. They had a baby boy, Andre Jr. Sex is emotionally complicated for adults, so imagine the confusion they had to have gone through. From all accounts Laura, though a child still, was the best thing that ever happened to Squirrel. But not even she could stop the voices in his head that kept encouraging him to do insane things. One such tragic and insane event took place 2003 where Laura, Andre Jr and Leyha was viciously murdered by the man who swore to love them…Squirrel.
Two landmark cases that the United States Supreme court ruled on was Ford v Wainwright when it was decided that states could not execute the mentally insane. In Panetti v Quarterman the same court made it clear what mentally insane means” A defendant must grasp that it is retribution for the crime he/she committed”.
Most recently, Texas Criminal Courts of Appeals judge, Cathy Cochran conceded in her opinion that Andre Thomas is, “Clearly ‘crazy, but ‘sane’ under Texas Law”
Do you all see the manipulative word play? See the letter of the law says you must be mentally insane to be spared execution, but crazy? The thought is “we all (society as a whole) are crazy” So being crazy isn’t judicially excusable.
Chief psychiatrist, Dr Joseph Black, who testified for the prosecution said that Andre Thomas diagnosis was created by alcohol/drug abuse. The only problem to this, if true at all, is that Squirrel was 10 years old when he first began hearing voices, which was way before he habit towards alcohol and a lil weed began, and when he pulled out his left eye and ate it, he was on Death Row for four years or so of sobriety and had no access to any alcohol nor drugs, so how would any bias state psychiatrist explain that? By saying that Andre Thomas is ‘intellectual Insane” Which means, so I came to find out, that he was manipulating his symptoms to created a judicial argument that he is mentally insane, that he is doing this to avoid death by execution. Again some folks just say things to be heard, no matter how stupid they sound.
I have a hard time believing that Squirrel is playing the system just to avoid being executed/murdered. When the reality is, that night he killed his family he stabbed himself in the heart too. The emergency personnel at the hospital saved his life then. In fact that was his second time he came close to fulfilling his suicide attempt, Trust me, Squirrel isn’t manipulating no one to avoid death when he spent his whole life running into death’s path. And I don’t care about a person’s high IQ or level of social or environmental intelligence, cause there are times in ones life when they loose something, be it their sense of humanity, their soul, or their sanity and they can never get it back. Andre Thomas was never lost because he never had a chance to be found, he may just as well be the most mentally ill person of this generation cause anyone who pulls his eye out, eats it with all of its ghastly taste and declares “It taste like chicken” is no doubt a crazy and mentally ill muther fucker! Plain and simple. And it don’t take intelligent person to conclude this.
Should Squirrel be free? NO! Should he be granted his wish to die, that he has been trying to fulfil for years? By Texas law and by the United States Supreme Courts order he should be spared and sent to live the rest of his life in a psychiatric hospital and treated. It’s the same understandings of the law that spared Andre Yates., James Holmes and other mass murderers, that claimed to be medically insane, and none of these other psychos ever ate any part of their body parts.
The reality is Andre Thomas aka Squirrel is the poster child of severe mental illness, and is simply plain crazy, and unintellectual insane.
Written by Charles Chucky Mamou March 2013
A TIME TO KILL
THE REALITY SCOOP
I recently had a media visit with a tall, average looking fifty- something old man from the gate I knew he was in the Law Enforcement field. He had that rugged, but calmly controlled demeanour that alerted me to the possibility that he was a cop. He had dead straight hair piercing and interrogating eyes. Kinda dirty harry like, in a way that everything I said would be tested, mentally chewed and digested. A challenge that I inwardly salivated to meet.
“Before we begin. I have something to tell you. Depending on your feelings you may or may not want to talk to me. But I do not want to deceive our confidentiality. Ok? He asked in a cool and calm way. I nodded in agreement as I watched him through the glass window that separated us from any physical contact. “I’m a cop In fact I’m chief deputy in my city” he paused rehearsed in a way. Waiting for me to react. He later would tell me that the four other inmate-interviewees before me were indifferent towards his revelation, having one guy drop out of the interview. Another felt betrayed and the others, though agreeing to continue the interview, had drawn back, some, sheltering their once candid openness. “my best drug-using customer was a cop named Iristeale. A good man with a bad habbit” I began saying “In fact, my most loyal friend was once a Asst. D.A of Lafayette La. He once stopped his plea – arraignment when he saw me, just to give me a hug, as a show of support. I’ve sat down at a table with judges and was awarded leniency when charges was brought against me. I never did any time for acts I was actually guilty of. “What you do matters little to me. Who you are is all that matters” I explained.
“Well I also believe in the Death Penalty, though I’m having doubts about how it is used in Texas” he explained “So do I in a way, I suppose. Its the American way!”
Of course he wasn’t reading my words are perhaps baffled at my statement. Be advised, if you think the death penalty means a defendant, a judge, a idiot D.A or a unnerved and bias jury then you are not open to the depth of jurisprudence in the term: Death penalty; nor Justice.
“Care to explain?” he asked.
I asked him if he supports Abortion and he being a conservative Texan gave me a liberals political correct view by telling me its up to the Woman.
“I didn’t give you a c-box to circle, my question was either or yes or No”
The reason he agrees with Abortion is that he believes rape victims ought to have the right to abort the un wanted pregnancy.
I asked him about armed police officers shooting and killing unarmed suspects. Thought slow to respond he still tried to defend the murderous act by his fellow law enforcement colleagues.. I asked him about war (s) and how he felt the day of September 11th 2001. He told me he supports wars cause, “America was riding the world of all axis of evil” Of course when a nation invades another nation dropping its bombs on unarmed targets or sending in their drone planes or heavily armed tanks and foot soldiers, more likely innocent foreign civilians … people human beings.. God’s creations will be murdered, receiving a death sentence.
“Collateral Damage” he dismissed.
I questioned him on whether it was ok, or Godly acceptable to kill foreign civilians just to murder Osama Bin Laden?
“We were at war. There are no innocent civilians on foreign soil. If they had to die to get the ‘mastermind’ of the 9.11 plot that murdered over a thousand innocent Americans, Then you damn right they deserve to die. May Bin Laden rot in hell! He stated very passionately turning beef red.
His comments made me reflect back to a movie I saw as a free man, “A Time to Kill” Samuel L. Jackson (Hollywood’s most underrated actor) played Carl Lee Haley. Jake McGaints was played by actor Matthew McConaughey, the brilliant and righteous lawyer who made a parallel between his beliefs that his client and friend, though guilty of two counts of murder still did not deserve to be found guilty of the killings. . Contorted? Hypocritical? Malentendu? In the movie Jake McGaints closing argument to the jury was an impressive psychological barrage of emotional logic when he said “In all these legal movings, Something has gotten lost..The Truth.
“Now I want to tell you a story. But I’m going to ask you all to close your eyes”
Jake McGaints wanted the jury to close their eyes and open their un bias minds and unprejudiced hearts. The movie was symbolic to the racial tensions of the South; In Mississippi during the 60’s, When Black Americans were treated like third class citizens. The clever trick the brass lawyer used was to get that all White jury to ask what would they do if the victimized black girl was a little white girl. Their reality? Would be A Time to Kill.
I am the proud father of some beautiful, well raised and intelligent children. And if any of my children was harmed violently without provocation, I can only tell you honestly what’s in my heart “There’s no place in the this universe that those violators could hide from my wrath.”
The Chief deputy said he understood my point, being “We humans react on emotions. We convict on emotions too, and that’s the reason why the Death Penalty can never be about ‘due – justice’ because our emotions are quick to point the finger and judge”.
The majority of Americans are not that practical nor patient to weigh the circumstances that evolved around each tragic incident. Murder has been this American Land’s DNA since the invasion from Puritans upon peaceful Native Indians. Even today, Hell’s flames burn brighter and higher today than ever without the NRA’s influence, because as a nation we still preach, teach and promote-HATE. Racism, classism, sexism and ignorance are all mainstays of the ignorance we tolerate in this country [America].
The practice of the Death Penalty isn’t about Justice, its about oppression, its about emotions that has run amok, leading all of us into a sea of blindness.
Do not think for one second that I do not consider myself apart of the majority because I do. But just like any AA meeting or any addict the first stop is admitting that you have a problem and that’s what I’ve done and am doing I am in the process of rewiring my ignorance into empathy towards everyone.
What Carl Lee Haley did in the movie, is how many Americans function in Real life and I’ll be frank: Carl Lee was wrong, just as wrong as anyone who supports the murder of any human being is wrong as well.
There is no such thing as ‘A Time To Kill; because if we learn to live in love and respect, and see each other as equals, we could achieve universal peace and make our sol creator proud. But the 1st stop must be taken by each one of us as individuals. We need to change ourselves and the way we think before we can offer change to everyone else.
By Charles Chucky Mamou, February 2013
LONELY HEART OF A LONELY MAN
Sunday January 27th 2013, 4.05 p.m
Sitting back listening to the Blues on a program called “Big Baby’s Smoked out Blues Show and he is really jamming. Nostalgia has never felt so beautiful. A song by the late Marvin Sease is playing and I was taken back in time to a club called “The Blues Angel” in Lafayette, Louisiana,, where I met the singer during the intermission of his concert.
I was a Marvin Sease fan, so I wanted to see him perform live. I took my then girlfriend Sedonia, with me. Lawd knows that chile was ridiculous fine back in the days. By the time we arrived he was wrapping up his last song for the first set. We went to take a seat at the bar to order a drink while Sedonia stood behind me leaning on my shoulders. I just happened to look back to see his dark skinned man lick his fiery red tongue at Sedonia. His tongue had to have been six inches long. When he saw me looking at him, he controlled himself standing next to him was a huge man his body guard. Then I realized it was Marvin Sease. He offered me a drink that I refused before he told me “Young Man you got a nice one (sedonia) You have a fine one”
My mind drifted off to my favorite club in Sunset Pauls Playhouse. D.J. Lil Devil was a beast on those turntables. I can still see my cousin ‘Mr Excitement… Patrick Henry doing his best James Brown impersonation. I still can see Mom Tutt sitting down dressed like a Queen, hearing her son perform. Everybody dancing with smiles on their faces and sweat all over their bodies having a good time.
Then there was Slim-Y-Ki-Ki, the Pit Stop bousta Kings Ranch, and too many good places that I enjoyed a grand – ole -time and for the past 14 years, now more than ever, its these places and those memories that comforts me the most on days when I am truly Lonely.
I have written hundreds, if not thousands of articles, blogs interviews and other literature, and most of what I wrote was more for the viewers, than for me, I rarely speak what’s on my heart, because so many can not comprehend. I mean its no fun staying in one position for a whole day times fourteen Years. That’s what solitary confinement does. Sometimes I’ll bust a few Zydeco moves just to see if I still have it, and I do (smile) Just missing my boots and a real dance partner.
I’ve been keeping up with most of you, I’ve admired you all’s success in you all’s personal and professional lives. Only wish that I was there to celebrate, grow and be apart of it all. Infact the fact that I’m not there, eats away at me like a cancer. I feel I let so many of you down. I know I have. Many of you often write to me asking, “when will you come home?” If it was up to me I would have never left. If it was me I would have never abandoned my Mother, my children and loved ones. But I did not create this world. I know, shocking, huh?
Fellas look towards your lady,. Hug and kiss her, realize what you have in her and do whatever you have to, to stay by her side. Take it from me, sleeping alone for years is as lonely as you can get.
Ladies look towards your man and understand that its not easy putting food on the table. Be a lil more understanding than nagging.
I know I am the luckiest inmate alive to have family that refuse to give up on me and made the cutest T-shirts for me. That shit really touched my heart. And the food that Angie cooked looked mighty tasty. Just think the last time I held her she was no taller than my oldest Child. Now she’s all grown up.
I want all my Children to know that I am so proud of them. Keep Education First and all the success in the world will be yours for the taking. Leave them lil boys alone, cause I would really hate to be forced to @@@@ one of them boys up,. Behind my Child. Oh and I’m serious.
Ima send a shout out to the whole Henry Clan. I love y’all. Anitra get at yo cuz and when you coming to visit me? Trust me I’m lonely and could benefit from seeing a few familiar faces.
And so I leave you all with a song by Al Green “How to Mend a Broken Heart”
But listen to it with good thoughts
ITS NEVER ENOUGH
Super Bowl XLV11 is only days away, San Fran’s flashy 49ers faces Baltimore’s Dark Vader- Esque Ravens. It should be a hard hitting affair that will offer more than enough highlight clips by the time the clock hit all zeros and the whole “I’m going to Disney Land” promos begin.
Sure this is a unique and quite intriguing matchup that has CBS execs smiling miles long doting over the record breaking ratings that this super bowl will surely haul in. By the way Beyonce will perform at half time and she will be singing in her own voice, im sure of it.
Its the first Super Bowl that features two head coaches on opposite teams that are biological brothers. The Niners have the whole Kaepernicksanity going for them the whole complete package, He can run faster than a NASCAR vehicle and can throw a football deep and precise like a USAF drone plane while Baltimore has the whole Ray Lewis insanity working for or against them, depending on who is voicing their opinions towards him.
And I’ll be honest, it really matters little Okay, maybe it’ll matter a lot to see which team wins the game since all them polyester suit wearing bookies in Vegas and everyone that has placed a bet on the game cares passionately, but in hindsight (which isn’t always 20/10) ‘this’ Super Bowl is all about Ray Lewis, Make no mistake about it.
There’s the Liberal view of him being Baltimore’s Messiah He speaks with a robust passion that motivates his team mates who seem to have a obsequence gleam in their eyes about their imposing leader’s speeches. This is also Ray’s last game -allegedly. The idea that this will be Ray Lewis final game adds that much curiosity to the game. And in all story lines the finality is always attractive.
Then there’s the conservative view that sees one thing about Ray Lewis “He’s a murderer. A thug, plain and simple” A few New England Patriot football player’s wives made headlines on Twitter by expressing disdainment towards Ray Lewis after Baltimore beat up on New England. A good ass whoppen always seem to bring out the worst in the loosing side. I’m just saying it does not matter that Ray Lewis was never charged nor convicted of murder. We live in one world that often has two or more different views or takes on a single event, affect us all differently. Perhaps we all are egotistical enigmas who caters to differences out of ignorance? They say in a world full of blind people, the one eyed man is king. But what if there was two one eyed men, Each seeing out of opposite eyes, Would we get them to agree on what they see? “Perhaps not”, so says History.
One of the men who died that night years ago on Super Bowl night in Atlanta, had a pregnant girlfriend that would later give birth to a child. Ray Lewis gave her a settlement that was reported to be worth $2 million dollars. She recently said in an interview “I have nothing bad to say about Ray Lewis” Might have been the money talking? Or she was being sincere? The other man who died that night still has family back in Ohio that hates Ray Lewis so much it pains them to hear his name.
Why is it the courts found Ray Lewis not responsible for killing anyone. When Ray actually testified against two of his friends who was with him that tragic night. Both of Ray’s friends went to trial for murder and both were acquitted., Ray Lewis a snitch? Perhaps. Ray Lewis guilty of murder? The courts said he wasn’t. So why do half of the public (haters) feel that he is still a murderer?
I’m reminded of Anthony Graves, months after his release from Jail after spending 18 years in Prison and death row for a gruesome slaughter of nearly a half dozen people many of whom were children. A special prosecutor declared Graves innocence. His co defendant before his execution admitted he lied on Graves and that Graves was not even apart of the crime, Yet, when the grieving mother too whom whose children were killed, was asked about Graves exoneration. She said “I don’t care what the courts say. I know he had something to do with killing my babies”.
Then there is Michael Morton., This man spent 25 long years in prison for killing his wife, No evidence linked this married husband to his wife’s murder, Other than a theory by the D.A, that Morton killed his wife because she wasn’t as sexually freaky’ to his likings. TWENTY FIVE years later he was exonerated and the evidence the police had for twenty five years that was never tested, revealed the real killer two -decades and a half later. Michael regained his freedom. He aged a lot loosing years that he can never physically nor mentally get back. He had to learn how to use a cell phone, and how to wear a pain of pants that wasn’t a pair of prison pull ups, and even though the real killer of this crime is awaiting trial, Michael’s ex sister in law still says “Michael killed my sister, I’m sure of it”.
ITS NEVER ENOUGH
I mean men and women who find themselves within the penal laws of unjust incarceration spend their who existence to fight injustice within their cases just so they an prove their innocence and regain their freedom, and those lucky enough or fortunate to succeed where so many has and will fail, will still face dogmatism instead of an apology by their persecutors. Don’t get me wrong, the loss of a loved one is still a tragic and heat breaking event that psychologically becomes another layer of flesh for those who carry those heavy burdens around.
I’ve had a loved one murdered, so I can empathize those who fought to prove their innocence, especially when evidence now clears them of any wrong doing, I don’t care if you are a D.A a cop, or a judge, they all are people first. Being’s that are flawed like everyone else. Persons who accuse others of wrong doings for a living, as their profession, meaning it becomes only natural for them to say “He or she did it! Without a caution of validity to the charge.
We live in a world that fuels itself on racism, classicism, sexism and cultural divisions,. All of which is breeding grounds for pseudo’s, mistaken identities, spotty creditability and ultimately wrongful convictions and executions.
I sit on Death Row innocent of a crime that was never a crime. It took me years to get to the point where I care title, if at all, about what society or the media thinks of me. I’m not playing in any Super Bowl and I’m sure not giving anyone millions I don’t have. I don’t have any in-laws that wants my head on a platter. I don’t have a desire to prove my innocence for ‘you’ whoever ‘you’ may be. I just want to be me to fight for my truth. To free myself, cause at the end of the day, I sit and have sat all these years in this cage alone. Just me, myself and I. No one who is free can ever understand what it feels like to live as I do.
So to Ray Lewis, should Baltimore win the Super Bowl and he goes to the fifty yard line to look “upwards” to give thanks, just know that when you take the Uniform off It’s Never Enough!
Thats what I learned.
Written by Charles Chucky Mamou/ jan/feb 2013
sent december 2012
AINT I A MAN
“Don‘t ask me to put my life on hold for you. I, DID NOT PUT YOU ON DEATH ROW” my beautiful ex-girlfriend and baby momma, Sedonia, told me at a visit a few years back.
Sure I wanted to pull a verbal Rambo on her ass white being separated by thick glass that hungry hippy couldn’t penetrate. And I’ll even admit for the first time ever, “I felt tears leak from my eyes”
What she said wasn’t mean-spirited infact, what she expressed was actually a form of encantiosis. However, as we all know, the truth hurts and as I sat there in a state of lachrymose I realized how true her words were.
For the record, as a heterosexual male, I want to make apology on behalf of all men out there who, like myself suffered from “The needy-me Syndrome: When our good thing (s) seems to come to an end. Sure I wasn’t married to any woman while I was free and I had ample opportunities to ordain my x chromosome as my Mrs. Not that that would have meant much with a high divorce rate society that eagerly stand before God and vow to lie about staying married through sickness and in health.
John Edwards would know exactly what I am speaking of.
I distest prevaricators, But you know what? I wish Sedonia had lied to me at that moment. For instance, if I had to put the right words for the wrong reasons in her mouth, to say to me, it would have sounded something like this “I love you and I’m not going any where Big Daddy.
“I didn’t put you on Death Row but I sure will try like Hell to get you out of there.
“Now kiss the glass for Momma”
Aint I A Man?
Thou in retrospect, I’ll admit now – I’m glad she told me the truth, because her truth built me up. Slapped some thick survival skin on me. Took the pacifier out of my mouth, replacing it with some Kazakhstan tobacco. That stuff will group deep stubborn and tuff facial lines that no amount of Botox could straighten out. The stuff that turn your teeth a sour green and your insides far black.
What she told me gave me a will to fight relentlessly to prove my innocence. To butch up! And bitch down! To stay true to manly form by declaring the day “Boo-ya! I’m Free At Last! In Yo face! In Yo Face!
Thats my hope and dream at least.
See men tend to do that a lot: Dreams. It’s what captures our imagination and lay the foundation towards building nations or the next new and improved I-phone, It’s why men waste billions yearly on playboy, hustler, penthouse, or Black tail pornographic magazines … ooops suppose I’m telling on myself eh?
Don’t be alarmed cause Aint I a Man?
I still wake up in the mornings with a ‘boner’ Proof that Viagra wont be getting any of my money for a long time, nor do I need to waste any money on any books called “fifty shades of Grey” cause I know at least 200 shades I could write about on my own.
I still take celebrity beauties to bed with me every time I close my eyes. I’m Lonely so I make no apologies for what some feel is perverted.
I still want to play the roll of a real-life James Bond character who saves the world and gets the hot girl, only to then retire to a pub where I can say that famous line “shaken not stirred”
I love football. Love the physical contact. Players make millions of dollars on the gridiron so the more broken legs and concussions the better the games (when as long as I’m not getting my brains smashed in) Why is Hank Williams Jr’s theme song to Monday night football playing in my mind at this very moment.
I want to have my children come to me seeking advice and I hive them wisdom more than traditional opinions. I want to take care of my Mother, giving her that well deserved retirement that has been long overdue.
I want to walk up to Donald Trump and take a pull at his hair, just to satisfy my curiosity on whether he wear a toupee or not. I wonder if his hair has a United States birth certificate?
I want to wake up in the comforts of my own King sire but covered with satin sheets, while I turn to kiss my wife with morning breath, Nothing says “I love you” more than that first morning French tongue kiss.
I want to walk around my home in the nude, eating bar-b-q chicken while listening to Bey once’s hit song “If I was a Boy”
“Aint I A Man?
I’d like to teach others, men, and women, to avoid the same conversations I had with my ex, behind a glass window, and what I am writing to the readers now.
Men don’t let others live drunk lives “ some one has to take the majority position and lead folks out of the ignorant wilderness that we all find ourselves within, in our lives, Maybe I am not that person to teach but I can encourage the one that is able to lead,
Each one of us has a responsibility to do more to better the lives of those who need help, Who need wisdom, who needs a simple kind word or those who needs to be asked one question, “Aint I A Man?
Written by Charles Chucky Mamou 2012
WHAT’S YOUR REALITY?
I’ll tell you a trend that I am hearing a lot that really leaves me in a conundrum, is when I hear “Reality T.V. Shows are so Real, I love it”
Really now?! I’m sure most of you urban-Reality T.V loyalists heard of the program called, ‘Basketball Wives, right? Where a bunch of women whose only claim to fame is that they have children by professional athletes or was once married to one -scream at each other, curse like sailors, threaten to harm one another physically, and from time to time pull one another’s hair while wrestling on to the floor and somehow make the incident more sexually alluring by revealing their panties or breasts, thou it gets blurred out by the cameras. Staged or what?
Reality sure has changed since I was last a free man. The women I saw that fought other women didn;t look like paraded dolls on a Mary Kay make up show. The women I knew pulled out their own weave, popped off their press-on nails and fought for real and not for show once the director yelled !Action! As the cameras began filming.
What’s interesting to me about this ‘Reality – Basketball Wives” show (all pun intended) is one of its female stars, Evelyn Lozada. She was recently married and now divorced after a little more than two months to Chad Ocho Cinco Johnson, a ex NFL football player (note: Dude was my favorite player when he played for the Bengals. Damn shame he wasted his talents) Well these pretentious love-birds had a incident where she accused him of head butting her in their car during a heated argument. He claims she hit him first. The typical “He said she said” allegations. They were made for Reality T.v lol.
Do I care about their relationship, their fight, or their addiction towards wanting to be media – whores? Hell no! What I care about is something she said on a recent talk show after her read butting incident “Who I portray on T.V, is not who I am in Real life” Really? So you mean to tell me that Reality T.V is all one big staged hoax that is far from being real. As unreal as the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus, Batman and so forth.
Being misinformed or lead to believe falseism as altruism plaques Texas Death Row’s conditions. I say this to illiminate fact from fiction. To express what is Reality here and what’s it really like for men who are living out their final days alone – every day with in solitary confinement.
Within the past two years I have done a few media interviews with pro and Anti Death row media outlets. Id like to share with you a few bits of our conversation (s) in a segment I’l Call Reality Tv Verses Reality
REALITY TV How come everyone on Tx Death Row claim to be innocent?
Innocent people were killed and many were brutally so. The
Prosecution could not have wrongly convicted all of you
REALITY There’s as little as a shade over 300 men on Tx Death Row as
of 2012, And I can count on both hands how many here
claim to be innocent in a court of law publically. I being one
of those ten fingers. Which leaves you with a mere 2% if Tx
Death Row population that claims to be innocent. A far cry
from “all” claiming to be innocent. Now you have men that
did not kill anyone, men the prosecution admits did not kill
anyone but were convicted under law of party. A law that
says one did not kill anyone but is associated -somehow –
with the killer, This law is nefarious as STAND YOUR
GROUND LAW, which is destroying innocent lives in the
name of ignorance. Would you be Pro Death penalty if it
was your child stranded on Death Row claiming innocence?
Whats your Reality.
REALITY TV I was told that every man on Tx Death row has tons of
money they’d swindled from good hearted people who were
naïve and manipulated by greedy inmates.
REALITY I was told if I pull my tooth out of my mouth and placed it
in my boot under my bunk that the tooth-fairy would
replace my tooth with pardoned papers. Well Im still here.
Not one Enron- executive is on Texas Death Row, there is no Bernard Madoffs, No Allen Staffords- there are no Corporate American billionaire on Tx DR., These men manipulated, swindled, and bamboozled hundreds of billions of dollars from good hearted (as you said) people.
The Reality of that Texas Death Row Men (Tx D.R Women can work) are not allowed to work nor earn any independent pay, 95% here is represented by the same entity that incarcerated them; The State Of Texas.
Soak that in for a second
Ok Now think about how counterproductive this is. The same jurisprudence that convicts and sentence one to death is now the same governing body that is appointed to save y
our life? Am I the only one who notice how fuckin insane this whole train of idiotic logic is? And because of this reckless reasoning is the exact reason why Injustice continues to spread like a california wild-fire.
Nearly half of all inmates here is indigent, Items like toilet paper, soap, toothpaste, deodorant, stamps, stationary and etc… Is NOT FREE! This polunsky unit makes sure we suffer from the Stockholm syndrome, where we have to buy what we need from them. How do we purchase these things? From good hearted people who understands.
I know a few men here that has never had a visit in 10-20 years. Neighborly inmates becomes their only visitation. Fact is, guys on Texas Death row is broke.. Not living lavishly,- barely living. Most live on State issued food, that according to NPR News that reported on 28th August 2012 (check archives) T.D.C.J had a contract with a dog food company from 2006-2007”
Translation they fed inmates Dog food for a whole year, Of course the spokesperson for TDCJ claim that they did not know it was dog food, They just thought it was cheap meat.
REALITY T.V: I think if you on Death Row you are guilty DNA don’t lie and
all on Death Row should be executed.
REALITY: They say DNA dont lie. Therefore I concur, Since 2008 four
Texas Death Row inmates walked out of their cells and
walked into their family homes as free men. All received
new trials on judicial technicalities that the state of Texas
refused to retry them for whatever reason.
There are three cases pending the courts where inmates had to file a lawsuit just to get DNA testing in their cases. The results showed inconclusive results, or the DNA collected and used to convict in trial, now says the same DNA was never tested. Another case shows another unsub’s DNA . Still all three remain on Death Row, but you said DNA don’t lie right? So why these men, as well as others are not being freed?
Ignorance not only lie, it deceive, it impregnates prejudice pseudo-aphorisms into the thinkings of people who carry heavy hearts, victims families remain victims themselves because they do not care what is fact from fiction. What is truly Reality? Whoever the D.A says is guilty, is guilty. And if DNA frees the accused then DNA do lie after all.
You see so many times people in this society ‘Play rolls’ like Evelyn Lozada, and when Reality smacks them or in her case- head butts them “they dont want to play anymore and that my friends is the shit that Reality TV is made up of.
I sit here on this uncomfortable rusty bunk in my R.i.p Van winkle state, amazed at how contorted people in today’s society live and think. Its as if the majority has lost their damn minds or has watched too many Reality T.V shows to understand what is real and what is not real.
But at the end of the day the other thing anyone has to ask themselves is “Whats your Reality?”
In the immortal words El Hajj Malik El Shabazz, “Friends and enemies: I just can’t believe everyone in here (on my Sites) is a friend and I don’t want to leave anybody out”
Because I appreciate all the interest. For it is my hopes and my desires to be a voice of realism to enlighten, and educate others as well as learn and grown from my friends that I have embraced and love as my very own family. I thank you all, my friends, for your loyalty and kindness all these years. Trust me I know I can be difficult to deal with at times lol
2013 is near, and I will keep the faith that 2013 bless me with freedom. It has been a long time coming, and all I can afford to do is be not discouraged. So I choose to be optimistic.
But I wont run long with my rhetoric, I honestly just wanted to tell my sincere friends and supporters, Thank You!
And to any new eyes that would like to write to me and befriend me feel free to write directly to me id greatly appreciate the mail.
God Bless you all I love you all!
CHARLES CHUCKY MAMOU 999333
3872 FM 350 SOUTH,
TEXAS DEATH ROW’S
When you think about Texas Death Row’s reality you need to know that 24 hours per day men are always restricted and confined to some form of isolation. Sure, they allow us two hours per day, five days a week-recreational time that consist of placing a inmate alone in a cage, a lil bigger than his cell. (think about a lab-rat. How all it is allowed to do is walk in circles).
In solitary confinement the average cell(s) on death row consist of a mat [No SERT mattresses in this hellish joint] that is so flat itl cause back problems and complete restlessness. Each cell has a nexus stainless steel sink and toilet, that if the toilet is properly cleaned and disinfected well also acts as a washing machine. We have to clean/wash our own clothing. Each cell also has a rusty desk table, that should be a hazard.
If … and let me emphasize “if” a inmate has some free-world financial support, then he is allowed to buy over- priced items from the prison’s commissary, e.g. a plastic fan that cost five bucks at your local dollar General store, cost twenty plus bucks here. We can buy a AM/FM radio, a cook, a two hundred dollar plus typewriter ( that cost under one hundred bucks a year ago). That’s it, Theres no Plasma televisions, boom boxes, video games, nor anything else that many of you falsely believe that we have here in Texas. In fact the best entertainment each of us have is our own imagination, and imagination isn’t always constructive.
When you isolate anyone from society, forcing them to create their own reality toward off boredom, it begins the process of “Mental Degeneration” or in the science field which is better known as Psychosomatics. I read a study involving potential astronauts and how they were tested by being held in isolation with other astronauts for seven days. What was learned was that after four days, clear-negative changes were noticed in the groups behavior. Now Imagine how years of isolation will affect any human being, regardless to any criminal stigma.
Before the infamous mental case of a Texas Death Row inmate that pulled out one of his eyeballs, while eating the other, saying “It taste like chicken” Which became national comedians punchline. Texas Death rows conditions has always lead inmates and officers (a few D.R officers has committed suicide) to the brink of insanity.
There was a inmate here who set himself on fire, surrounded by all types of religious books. He suffered third degree burns to 80% of his body. There was a inmate who cut his dick off and then threw it into the walkway, feeling it was useless to him. There was a inmate who flooded his cell and threw his electrical cord into the water attempting to electrocute himself. Many has hung themselves and many more regularly cut on themselves. One guy cut his jugular vein with a dull piece of stone that he found in his cell and sat quietly as he bled to death. There was a healthy twenty four year old male who cried everyday until he dropped dead of a brain aneurysm… stressing in here is a bitch! And then there was Shelwin Davis, that we all called S.P who was found dead in his cell in July 2012, cause of death: similar to Whitney Houston, Michael Jackson, Amy Winehouse and many others who suffer from mental ineptitude. S.P was my neighbor several times since he arrived on DR, he wasn’t a likeable figure amongst many of his fellow inmates. This dislike had nothing to do with his personality, see he had this foul B.O that angered many that he was around. It was a medical issuethat had nothing to do with a lack of cleanliness on his part. He took daily showers. I told him to go to the doctor and he did. Come to find out his pores was not opening up to secrete his sweat, too which had him smelling spoiled at times. Which was the nature of most of the arguments between he and others.
I liked S.P he was a intelligent young man, A Articulate fellow that had this natural knowledge about things when he spoke. He was a walking dictionary. He didn’t have much., so I often fed him and let me tell you, he could eat. I clothed him, buying clothes for him from commissary. I helped him get pen pals and I gave him spiritual and history books to read. Literature that I hoped would help him grow.
I knew how much influence I had over him- he looked to me like a father figure and I never abused such knowledge. I respected him and if truth be told I liked his company.
Every man here has a “vice” or two that they abuse to get by here or attempt a futile try at escaping the madness that we face here daily in isolation. Some may masturbate all day long just to get a sense of being tired. Some may read books all day ( I know a guy that reads two books daily every day, many he re reads) Some instigate mess to create drama. Some eat all day. Some write all day and some like S.P get high all day. He would take a bunch of prescribed psychotic drugs at the same time, e.g Benadryl, Zolof and other diphenhydramines just so that he wouldn’t have to be awake, fighting the urge of insanity that tried to invade him daily. It may seem shocking to you free worlders, but in here its quite normal in here. Many of the guys back here get high to escape the smothering depression,.
I have listened to S.P tell me about his case. He was as remorseful as they they came. He once cried infront of me for his victim and I’m telling you he was sincere. He was tilled with guilt and couldn’t live comfortable knowing he killed someone. Unforgiving oneself for acts deemed nefarious leaves a edacious void in a persons life. Something has to alleviate the guilt, and for him prescription drugs did the trick.
As I am writing this in hindsight I feel that I should of and could have done something to help him, At the time things we do here in isolation seems normal. After all; all we are trying to do here on a day to day existence is survive mentally. And when you see another man struggling to maintain a level of sanity, no matter ones coign of vantage what can you honestly do or say? How could I tell him to cut back on the pills (relief) when I knew it was the only thing preventing him from suicide? There was several incidents too which he cut on himself, even leaving two huge thick scars on both sides of his neck.
How could I tell him not to do this or that, when I too have a “vice” or two of my own that may be detrimental to my own mental or physical health? I live in a guilt filled environment where guilt dictates the redundant atmosphere here. I live around men who one day is talking fine, and the next day is talking to himself. Or Ernie on the planet Pluto. I live next to guys who have forgotten who to use the bathroom, who eat their own shit and smile at you as if its the best snack ever. I live around guys whom can hold a lively intriguing and educational conversation for five minutes straight, before going completely blank, forgetting what they was talking about, who they were talking to and who they are. Men in their 30’s is suffering from mental psychosis that has Alzheimer’s like traits.
Solitary confinement was made for storing things, not storing people. And the reason why Free-worlders should are about the harsh treatment inflicted on Texas Death Row men is because not all are guilty, many are innocent and many more are wrongly convicted.
It was once said that Humans and Humanity are always at Odds “ no time ever has that been true than here in Texas
Written by Charles Chucky Mamou/ august 2012
WALK THIS WAY…
Is what Aero smith and Run – D.M.C. Screamed-rapped
into a hit.
Thou they have no clue-
about this Texas Death Row bullshit
How sleep-deprivation causes inmates to vociferously scream.
While loneliness chases away all promising Dreams
Walk This Way
and it may cause you to have a stress induced stroke,
proving that Texas Justice is a fuckin joke
Walk This Way
to see the window of misery through my eyes
I often wonder if God pays attention to any of my cries
cause if 2 + 1 = 3
then how come two shackles on one man don’t equal.
SETTING ME FREE?
WALK THIS WAY
allowing me to explain
how locking up any human being in isolated confinement
is a gawd damn shame
Walk This Way
breathe in and breathe out
contemplate what the Death Penalty is really all about
its not about innocence nor guilt
nor males verses females
its about derailing human minds into a living Hell
When th owners are a bunch of undercover sanduskies
Walk This Way
and cast upon me some Hope
or leave me alone getting high on this Justin-4
cause redundancy here is like a leaking silicone
and like Oz’s Dorothy
I JUST WANT TO GO HOME
Walk This Way
Talk this Way
but keep your kisses!
Written by Charles Chucky Mamou 2012